you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
