If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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