Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
