This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize