I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Fuck appropriateness.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
