My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
