I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we're so committed to being not committed
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize