So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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