I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
