just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
