I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
