Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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