I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
