when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
