i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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