Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
