Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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