I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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