If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
