he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
