can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
