dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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