I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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