3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
