I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
