You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
