yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
