I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
