my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Randomize
