i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
