I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
