my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
