The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
