My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
