My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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