I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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