I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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