She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
