Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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