she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
