dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
