I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
