I'm lost and stupid without you.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
