Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
