My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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