I met the friendliest cop last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
