go do what you do best...puke behind churches
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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