im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
