woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize