I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You have to summon your inner elephant
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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