I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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