question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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