Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
