never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
