i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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