I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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