so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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