Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
