I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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