the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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