I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
