I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
