You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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