they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
