Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I will die if light touches me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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