All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Pooping to opera.
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