I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
