Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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