can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
