I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize