I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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