I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
