I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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