So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
