my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
