I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize