Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Randomize
