I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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