The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
