just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
