im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Randomize
